When people look at spiritual teachers, they automatically think and assume we have it all together. We go out there and share our medicine and inspire the world and our audience to step out of their comfort zones. We encourage others to stop playing small because we inherently know that each of us has something unique to offer the world. It’s a known truth that once we step out of our comfort zone and lead with our heart, we will experience Heaven on Earth, far beyond our wildest dreams. My recent trip to Costa Rica allowed me to embrace Madam Butterfly, the goddess of transformation. I found myself playing small time and time again because I felt unworthy. The “who am I?” beliefs arose time and time again and it was beginning to get old and exhausting. The recent lunar and solar eclipse helped me release what no longer served as I realized my magnificence and understood the cries of the collective energy around me was arising in order for me to shower my love for humanity and my soul. Taking the time to embark on this spontaneous trip to this developing country, I allowed myself to get back to basics and the rawness of life. Sleeping on the jungle floor, coming home with some gnarly spider bites on my butt and bruises on my legs helped me remember what living really means.
After a difficult LSD experience 5 years ago, I knew if I wanted to change my perspective and view my life differently, I was going to have to change my habits, my thoughts, my beliefs, and my relationship with myself first and foremost. Years of working with psychedelics, plant medicines, self-care, and self-discovery allowed me to heal many of my past wounds, but there were still some that were bleeding into my present and future. As we allow ourselves to separate from the illusion of our perceived boundaries and limiting beliefs, we recognize where we’ve been playing small and where we’ve been dimming our light. For me, I was playing small in how I loved not just others, but more importantly myself.
For 4 years, I was in deep hibernation. Overcoming deep trauma, psychosis, anxiety, paranoia, and PTSD, I hid my light from the world because of fear. I found myself playing small as I became engulfed with the tormenting thoughts in my head. My dark and pained inner thoughts created my external experience. I lived my life feeling empty and heavy at the same time. What I didn’t realize was the truth that I was tapping into the collective unconscious with the belief the world was against me.
My transition out of the Spiritual Closet began once I turned 26. I was afraid to share my face, my truth, and my medicine with the world. I believed in this fear that my light would disrupt the dark forces of the world and that they were out to get me. I saw how powerful I am, and that scared the shit out of me. I was unstable and lacked a healthy relationship with myself which in turn affected my relationships outside of myself. The craziest thing of all was that up until recently, what I feared most was love. The idea that love could save the world scared the shit out of me because not only was it something so foreign to me, but more than that, it was something I couldn’t control and it was such a foreign concept for me. I grew up “comfortable” in my darkness since I was 3 years old. Fighting a prolonged and repressed depression since I was a young girl, I never knew what it was like to live in love or light even though people would tell me otherwise how much light I brought to their life. I looked for happiness outside of myself and believed that I was unworthy of living my life in love because I always thought the destination would bring me the happiness and love I always yearned for. I pushed love away and hurt those when I was hurting because I didn’t know how to appreciate it, honor it, or recognize it as love. My lack of awareness of my actions left me feeling like not only was I putting my life on hold, but also that it would be impossible for me to achieve my heart’s deepest desires.
As I’ve stepped into my role as a spiritual leader and teacher, I’ve realized to honor my journey and to stop comparing myself to the teachers who guided me along the way from the depths of my soul. As I’ve honored where I’ve been and what is MY truth, I’ve seen what it means to be empowered as I share my medicine with the world. When we honor and accept all facets of our human experience, we become a magnet to those who may come across our path and lead by example. Through vulnerability, we find the courage and allow ourselves to be relatable to our brothers and sisters who may come across the same difficulty along their journey. As we realize that we are all interconnected and that we are NEVER alone, the unnecessary illusion of pressure begins to dissipate and we begin to find ourselves in the flow.
My journey over the past 8 months has been an opportunity for me to witness a rebirth unlike ever before. It’s been a journey where I’ve had to release my need of control and learn to honor the journey + trust the process. Over the years, I’ve had to learn the hard way. In order for us to achieve our deepest desires, we must understand and realize that the journey may not look the way we think it’s supposed to look. I’ve had to learn to quiet my ego and lead with my heart. The ego loves us to play small for this is the way it takes the lead and controls our life. As we awaken to our truth and align with our heart’s desires, we realize the damage our ego has played in our role to serve. Going forth, we must allow ourselves to forgive our wrongdoings and the mistakes we made up until now. We cannot continue to beat ourselves up for what we did or how we acted or reacted in the past, for we are all doing our best based on our level of awareness. When we are leading with our egoic agendas, it’s more difficult for us to listen to our intuition and lead with our heart.
So here I am, perfectly imperfect. Every day I’m working through my fears and doing my best to shine as bright as I can. I’m allowing myself to flow and take the time I need to anchor in my light and my destiny. Good things take time and in order for us to have something last, we must allow ourselves to trust the process for everything is being divinely guided through divine timing. We cannot beat ourselves up just because our path looks different than those around us. If we are to anchor in and live our truth, we must allow ourselves to take the time to heal and honor our pain. We must allow ourselves to be gentle knowing that all of this is perfect. We must allow ourselves to not be distracted from the world outside of us and allow ourselves to tune into our heart, knowing that this is where the true wisdom lies. We have all the answers within. The world we are living in is simply the result of our past thinking. This 3D reality allows us to recognize where in our lives we must forgive and where our love is needed most. Allow yourself to recognize that we are all doing our best for we are all healing wounds of our past somewhere or another. The rebirthing process is never easy, but it can be enjoyable if we allow ourselves to honor it and stay present. When you’re experiencing the depths of your soul, be gentle and kind with yourself. We must make room for all the beauty that’s in store. As for me, I’m doing my best to step more and more out of the spiritual closet and into my truth by remembering to breathe and doing my best to not rush the process.